Cards Against Humanity Saves Baseball
Congratulations! America has been saved! Donald Trump is no longer the president, and the Republican Party has retreated to its secret volcano lair. Now it’s time to kick back, crack open a cold one, and enjoy America’s pastime.
For the final day of Cards Against Humanity Saves America, we really “hit it out of the park” by purchasing the naming rights to a minor league baseball stadium in Joliet, Illinois. Kindly remove your caps and stand — no kneeling! — for The Cards Against Humanity Baseball Place, the new home of the Joliet Slammers!
The Stadium
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As a patron of this stadium, you get to be part of the most elite fandom in professional sports.
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This mean–looking prison crow is not racist.
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Please don’t pay attention to this crow.
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Come on down!
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The eponymous “base balls.”
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Luscious!
The Team
Here come your favorite boys!
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Travis Bolin
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Nate Antone
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Shane Bryant
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Niko Uherek
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Jeff Isom
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Edwin Gomez
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Dom Iero
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Steven Pollakov
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Jordan Wellander
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Ridge Hoopi-Haslem
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Melvin Rodriguez
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Scot Hoffman
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Conrad Wozniak
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Brady Burzynski
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Matt Costello
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Tyler House
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Skylar Janisse
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Luis Diaz
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Duke von Schamann
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Andrew Zellner
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Brian McKenna
The Season
TICKETS ON SALE MAY 2018
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SunMonTueWedThuFriSatMay 10Away vs. Florence FreedomAway7:05pmMay 11Away vs. Florence FreedomAway7:05pmMay 12Away vs. Florence FreedomAway6:05pmMay 15Home vs. Evansville OttersHome7:05pmMay 16Home vs. Evansville OttersHome10:05 amMay 17Home vs. Evansville OttersHome10:05 amMay 18Home vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsHome7:05pmMay 19Home vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsHome6:05pmMay 20Home vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsHome1:05pmMay 22Away vs. Normal CornBeltersAway7:05pmMay 23Away vs. Normal CornBeltersAway7:05pmMay 24Away vs. Normal CornBeltersAway7:05pmMay 25Home vs. Southern Illinois MinersHome7:05pmMay 26Home vs. Southern Illinois MinersHome6:05pmMay 27Home vs. Southern Illinois MinersHome1:05pmMay 29Home vs. Washington Wild ThingsHome7:05pmMay 30Home vs. Washington Wild ThingsHome7:05pmMay 31Home vs. Washington Wild ThingsHome7:05pm
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SunMonTueWedThuFriSatJune 1Away vs. Traverse City Beach BumsAway7:05pmJune 2Away vs. Traverse City Beach BumsAway6:05pmJune 3Away vs. Traverse City Beach BumsAway1:05pmJune 5Home vs. Lake Erie CrushersHome7:05pmJune 6Home vs. Lake Erie CrushersHome7:05pmJune 7Home vs. Lake Erie CrushersHome7:05pmJune 8Away vs. Washington Wild ThingsAway7:05pmJune 9Away vs. Washington Wild ThingsAway6:05pmJune 10Away vs. Washington Wild ThingsAway1:05pmJune 12Away vs. Southern Illinois MinersAway7:05pmJune 13Away vs. Southern Illinois MinersAway7:05pmJune 14Away vs. Southern Illinois MinersAway7:05pmJune 15Home vs. Gateway GrizzliesHome7:05pmJune 16Home vs. Gateway GrizzliesHome6:05pmJune 17Home vs. Gateway GrizzliesHome1:05pmJune 19Home vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsHome7:05pmJune 20Home vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsHome10:05 amAway7:05pmJune 21Home vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsHome7:05pmJune 22Home vs. Traverse City Beach BumsHome7:05pmJune 23Home vs. Traverse City Beach BumsHome6:05pmJune 24Home vs. Traverse City Beach BumsHome1:05pmJune 26Away vs. Schaumburg BoomersAway7:05pmJune 27Away vs. Schaumburg BoomersAway7:05pmJune 28Away vs. Schaumburg BoomersAway7:05pmJune 29Home vs. Lake Erie CrushersHome7:05pmJune 30Home vs. Lake Erie CrushersHome6:05pm
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SunMonTueWedThuFriSatJuly 1Home vs. Lake Erie CrushersHome1:05pmJuly 3Home vs. Normal CornBeltersHome7:05pmJuly 4Home vs. Normal CornBeltersHome7:05pmJuly 5Home vs. Normal CornBeltersHome7:05pmJuly 6Away vs. River City RascalsAway7:05pmJuly 7Away vs. River City RascalsAway6:05pmJuly 8Away vs. River City RascalsAway1:05pmJuly 9All Star BreakJuly 10All Star BreakJuly 11All Star BreakJuly 12All Star BreakJuly 13Away vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsAway7:05pmJuly 14Away vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsAway6:05pmJuly 15Away vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsAway1:05pmJuly 17Home vs. River City RascalsHome7:05pmJuly 18Home vs. River City RascalsHome10:05 amJuly 19Home vs. River City RascalsHome7:05pmJuly 20Home vs. Florence FreedomHome7:05pmJuly 21Home vs. Florence FreedomHome6:05pmJuly 22Home vs. Florence FreedomHome1:05pmJuly 24Away vs. Washington Wild ThingsAway7:05pmJuly 25Away vs. Washington Wild ThingsAway7:05pmJuly 26Away vs. Washington Wild ThingsAway7:05pmJuly 27Home vs. Schaumburg BoomersHome7:05pmJuly 28Home vs. Schaumburg BoomersHome6:05pmJuly 29Home vs. Schaumburg BoomersHome1:05pmJuly 31Away vs. Evansville OttersAway7:05pm
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SunMonTueWedThuFriSatAugust 1Away vs. Evansville OttersAway7:05pmAugust 2Away vs. Evansville OttersAway7:05pmAugust 3Away vs. Gateway GrizzliesAway7:05pmAugust 4Away vs. Gateway GrizzliesAway6:05pmAugust 5Away vs. Gateway GrizzliesAway1:05pmAugust 7Home vs. Washington Wild ThingsHome7:05pmAugust 8Home vs. Washington Wild ThingsHome7:05pmAugust 9Home vs. Washington Wild ThingsHome7:05pmAugust 10Away vs. Schaumburg BoomersAway7:05pmAugust 11Away vs. Schaumburg BoomersAway6:05pmAugust 12Away vs. Schaumburg BoomersAway1:05pmAugust 14Away vs. Lake Erie CrushersAway7:05pmAugust 15Away vs. Lake Erie CrushersAway7:05pmAugust 16Away vs. Lake Erie CrushersAway7:05pmAugust 17Home vs. Traverse City Beach BumsHome7:05pmAugust 18Home vs. Traverse City Beach BumsHome6:05pmAugust 19Home vs. Traverse City Beach BumsHome1:05pmAugust 21Away vs. Lake Erie CrushersAway7:05pmAugust 22Away vs. Lake Erie CrushersAway7:05pmAugust 23Away vs. Lake Erie CrushersAway7:05pmAugust 24Away vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsAway7:05pmAugust 25Away vs. Windy City ThunderBoltsAway6:05pmAugust 28Away vs. Traverse City Beach BumsAway7:05pmAugust 29Away vs. Traverse City Beach BumsAway7:05pmAugust 30Away vs. Traverse City Beach BumsAway7:05pmAugust 31Home vs. Schaumburg BoomersHome7:05pm
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SunMonTueWedThuFriSatSeptember 1Home vs. Schaumburg BoomersHome6:05pmSeptember 2Home vs. Schaumburg BoomersHome5:05 pmSeptember 3Playoffs TBDSeptember 4Playoffs TBDSeptember 5Playoffs TBDSeptember 6Playoffs TBDSeptember 7Playoffs TBDSeptember 8Playoffs TBDSeptember 9Playoffs TBDSeptember 10Playoffs TBDSeptember 11Playoffs TBDSeptember 12Playoffs TBDSeptember 13Playoffs TBDSeptember 14Playoffs TBDSeptember 15Playoffs TBD
Frequently Asked
Questions
Baseball is a bat–and–ball game played between two teams of nine players each who take turns batting and fielding. The batting team attempts to score runs by hitting a ball (that is thrown by the opposing team’s pitcher) with a bat swung by the batter, and then running counter–clockwise around a series of four bases: first, second, third, and home plate. A run is scored when a player advances around the bases and touches home plate.
Yes, you can go to Joliet and see the stadium right now. Here’s a local news article about it.
Joliet was once home to a huge prison filled with criminals!
The songs, the running, the hot dogs, the big beers, the whole thing. It is the best sport of all!
Do not fondle our baseball boys.
Hey, thanks!
Well, we did our best to address all of America’s problems in purely symbolic terms, so…I guess we’re done.
Come on down to the Cards Against Humanity Baseball Place! Crack open a cold one, swallow a hot dog, and watch the Slammers dance their beautiful baseball dance.
Definitely Melvin “Kind Eyes” Rodriguez. What a dreamboat!
I love you.